I am so depressed that the original mom served NO time, has had her community service wiped away because she tripped on a box  and she and her sons are living off the tax-payers, free as a jay bird. So sad. So horribly wrong.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by “losing my mind.” I was at my home away from home – the gym – in the class room I am always in for one of my fitness classes which I attend approximately three times a week. So, I have been in and out of this room thousands of times (no exaggeration). Last Sunday morning, as I was attempting to leave the classroom I pull on the door to exit… and I pull and I pull and I pull. I am shaking the door, pulling, and can not for the life of me figure out why the darn thing won’t open – I just keep pulling and pulling… until the teacher finally notices and says, in a i’m-trying-not-to-laugh-at-poor-you tone, “Keri, you have to push.”

Yes. You have to push. DUH! Where was my logical, problem solving brain that would have normally figured out, “Hey, if pulling doesn’t work, try pushing you idiot.” Or, where was my memory to tell me “Moron, you pull to exit, push to enter.” Or, where was my self-conscious to stop me from repeating a futile action? NO WHERE TO BE FOUND, that is where!

The good news is, this is what is known as “pregnancy brain” and I definitely have it.

Some of my favorite recent books have included: Water for Elephants and The Power of One

When I lived in Scottsdale, I had a styling guru that kept the mop on my head looking fresh and sassy – a feat only a true hair genius can accomplish. I would be out and about town and I would get compliments from strangers all the time – it was great! I got used to being the girl with cute hair.

When I moved to Dallas, the one thing I was not worried about finding was a good hair dresser – I mean, Texas is the land of the big hair after all, so surely, with so much emphasis on hair, the stylist out here should be fantastic. Nothing could be farther from the truth! (as is proven by the rapid decline of random compliments and steady growth of my she-mullet).

It seems with each new attempted salon my hair gets farther and farther from anything resembling fun, sassy hair. I became so desperate that when my sister left me her Allure magazine that had a section on hair stylist – I actually called the one (yes, there was only ONE listed for Dallas) and made an appointment ASAP. This person was written up in a National fashion mag, she worked at the ever chic Frederick Fekkai salon located in Dallas’ most stylish shopping area, Highland Park Village. She MUST be the one I have been looking for.

So, even though the price was much more than I would normally have spent, I decided it would be worth it to finally have enviable hair again.

And then I get the call… just days before my appointment… the girl had to take a leave and the salon did know when she would return – but Derek had an opening close to my original appointment – did I want to see him instead? No. I don’t. But, I am in desperate need of a mullet banishing so I say “OK.” BIG MISTAKE.

I get to the salon, am welcomed and shown around the uber modern pad and introduced to Derek. I explain I want the back under control, I want my fun, sassy, messy hair back. I tell him I don’t do perfect hair. I hate the Kate-Plus-8-Minus-John-plus-his-Gal-Pal-and-camera-crews hair do and that I hate the posh do. I also tell him that I am going to try not to color my hair anymore.

So what does he do? he gives me a perfect hair do – not an ounce of mess or sass or fun to it at all. It is stick straight – and, JUST LIKE Kate+8 – short in the back with side sweep in front. Uhm, hello? Can you hear me? Now, you can clearly see my root stripe and I look exactly how I said I did not want to look and I paid an arm and leg to hate my reflection in the mirror. UGH!!! How is it possible that now I look even worse?!? Thanks a lot Frederick Freakin’ Fekkai. Ever heard of listening to your clients???

So here I am – enduring the “you got your hair cut” while watching the pained expressions on peoples faces as they stop at that and walk away.

Nice Hair Follow Up (10/5/2009)

Retribution! Aha! Well… maybe, I hope so. I got a letter from Frederick Fekkai himself (yeah, right, I really believe that the “stamped” signature means good ol’ Fred has any clue what he sent me). Anyway, a letter none the less stating that Tifanny – the whole reason I event went that swanky salon in the first place, who I have still never laid eyes on and now never will – has left the salon (gee, I wonder why?). But, Frederick wants to assure me that all of thier stylists go through the same rigorous training and are all equally qualified (to ignore you as the chop your locks into what ever horrendus do they want). To make his point, Freddy is offering me a complimentary hair cut with one of the two other stylists – Derek or Julian.

We all know I hope to never see Derek again (or should I say, he hopes he never sees me again!). And, I am loathe to step even a toe back into that over-priced snot-hole… but, I am. To see Julian. ONCE. Just to get my free hair cut so I don’t feel so bad about the small fortune I spent the first time and to buy myself time to find yet another stylist.

Yes, I know, when I leave looking like Sinead O’Connor I will only have myself to blame.

A DOCTOR A DAY KEEPS THE APPLES AWAY

Peace is nice, get a piece of ice and make your fever nice, with a piece of ice, if you don’t have a fever, you must be a beaver, not Beaver Cleaver, but a swamp beaver. Beavers have tails, and they can swim like whales, this is a tale, not a silly quail! Quails have feathers, but not in bad weather, because they stick together, but only in bad weather! Weather is bad, it can make you sad, but only when it’s bad! Peace is hard to find, it is all in the mind, it can be kind, but it is so hard to find. Finding can be fun, it can make you run, not shoot a gun or eat a hamburger bun. Hamburgers are good, you should eat them, yes you should, you should because if you would, it would taste good! When you learn self-defense, you win INDEPENDENCE!

By,
A Poet
(Keri Van Vleet)

Don’t most 8th graders write stuff like: “have a great summer,” “2 cool 2 be 4gotten,” “BFFs forever,” etc.? I wonder what on earth compelled me to try to be clever (because clearly I am not!)??!?!

It comes from a quote from the FDA regarding HALF of a frog found in a bag of frozen green beans:

Woman finds frog in frozen veggies
http://www.kltv.com/global/story.asp?s=10758038

Quote from FDA:
“When you’re washing field vegetables, you’re going to get certain little pieces and parts, but we certainly don’t want something so large you can identify what it is.”

So… it is ok to have frogs parts in your veggies, as long as the consumer can’t identitify them?!?! Can you say, “never, ever going to buy frozen veggies ever again?”

Click on the article link to check out the photo of the “partial frog.”

At least I have a valid reason now for being a spaz.

I have also learned that replacing 589 gallons of coolant that has leaked out, yet not actually fixing the leak, will trick you into thinking the problem is fixed… until, as the week progresses and you notice the temperature slowly, yet steadily increasing until you are back at 90 degrees with no relief. Someone might want to tell the AC guys that if there is a leak, FIND IT!! Don’t just feed the black hole — maybe try and find it, then actually plug the hole. A novel concept apparently, as the AC guys actually tried the refilling thing twice (yes, twice) before replacing the holed part.

Lesson number 3 is that it takes 2 AC guys, 5 hours, a gallon of sweat, a boat load of cursing and some tools to replace a coil on a Friday evening — yet the extra hour it takes to actually ensure the unit is working won’t take place until Saturday (happy hour just can’t wait, I guess? Either that, or they must have thought we were enjoying the sweltering, sleepless nights in our hot house.) When Saturday rolls around and another AC guy shows up to finish the job – don’t be fooled. He will leave, you will wait gleefully for the blast of cool air that is sure to come at any moment… wait for it… wait for it… keep waiting… and waiting… and… argh!

By Sunday, some smartly worded conversations take place between my now suicidal hubby and the AC company. Mind you, we are dealing with an Air Conditioning company – their sole job is fixing AC units – that is all they do. Shouldn’t they be pretty good at it by now? After days, weeks, months of practice? How do you work for an AC company and not know how to fix an AC unit? Clearly, by now, “fixing” is in the past. It is decided (THANK YOU!) that we will be getting a new AC unit – hurrah!

In case this ever happens to you, here are some tips to help keep you cool while you wait for the AC guys to find their asses:

• Wearing wet clothes actually helps (and wearing a bathing suit underneath makes it look like you just got back from a refreshing dip in the pool versus just trying to stay sane in a heat infested home)
• If you roll ice cubes in damp paper towels and stuff them in your bra & waist band, you have just installed mini-personal ac units (you can thank me later)
• The “cool” setting on your hair dryer has never felt so heavenly
• Baking cupcakes mid-day will not cause the temperature in the house to go down, but it will increase your sweat production to increase
• Any place that has AC is better than home: malls, movie theaters, restaurants, book stores, Starbucks, your car